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News from the Crib by Alex Barnett: Ivan’s Parenting Tips
My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 8 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date).
Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s News From the Crib.
1. My husband and I have an 8-month old. He doesn’t have any teeth yet. Should we be worried? Is he eating? Is he healthy? If so, I wouldn’t worry. Frankly, if I were you I’d worry much more about the fact that you and your husband seem to use your teeth only for one thing — eating too much. Have you looked in the mirror? They need to hang a red triangle on your rear-end to warn cars not to pass on the right.
2. My husband and I have an 8-month old. When can we expect him to walk? The day he finds out that you guys don’t have nearly enough money to raise him or send him to college, you can expec, Junior, to get to stepping and not too return.
3. We’ve been invited by our friends to attend the 1-year birthday of their baby son. What is an appropriate gift? Diapers for the baby and booze — lots of it — for the parents.
4. No, seriously, what should we bring? I wasn’t joking — a baby can never have enough diapers, and parents of a baby can never have enough booze.
5. My husband and I have an 8-month old baby girl, and we’re thinking of hiring a part-time nanny and babysitter so we can go out on a date night? What should we consider in making this decision? I think you should consider whether you and your husband really want to be alone together.
6. Our 8-month old still refuses to eat solid foods. What should we do? Obviously you should panic and call in a team of specialists. And, when you calm down, you should remember that your ingestion of solid foods has led directly to that Samsonite full of cellulite that you’re hauling around.
7. How can we tell whether our 8-month old is left-handed or right-handed? Which hand does he use to give you the finger?
8. My wife keeps saying we have to “sleep train” the baby? What should I do? I think that you should start by sleep-training each other first. Tell her to cut her toenails and you stop drooling.
9. My wife and I have an 8-month old, and we’re starting to think about “baby-proofing” the house. What should we do? You should panic. If you don’t immediately move everything, you should expect soon to see your baby coating your favorite limited-edition [FILL IN THE BLANK] with saliva.
10. When should we expect our baby to talk? At the exact moment — and not a second before — the baby can’t take anymore and tells you to shut up.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.