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News from the Crib by Alex Barnett: Ivan’s Parenting Tip #58
My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 10 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#58)
1. My husband and I have an 10-month old. He still doesn’t have any teeth yet. Should we be worried? What’s the hurry? Do you need him to gnaw down a tree? Just be glad you don’t have dentist bills.
2. My husband and I have an 10-month old. He makes groaning and moaning noises before he falls asleep. Why? Probably he’s afraid of the boogie men hiding under the bed you never clean.
3. How many naps per day should our 10-month old son take? Enough for him to rest up for his eventual escape plans.
4. How long should our 10-month old son’s naps last? Remember this — no matter how long they last, they will never be long enough for him or for you.
5. My husband’s mother said that to help soothe our 10-month old’s teething pain, we can put a little drop of whiskey on a washcloth and rub it on the baby’s gums. Will that really help? Actually, what helps a lot more is if you pour the whole bottle in a giant glass and drink it yourself.
6. Our 10-month old doesn’t like many solid foods, but he does like bread. Should we give him wheat bread or is white bread okay? Well, as long as the bread is vegan, gluten-free and organic, you’ll be fine. Also, make sure that you only buy it fresh from the bakery each day, that you pay top dollar for it and that you stand on one leg and hum Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony while you buy the bread and while you serve it to your son. Remember, it’s bread, and you’re rolling it up into little spitball-sized pieces for your son to drool on. It’s not a State Dinner for the President at Five-Star restaurant in Paris.
7. Now that our son is 10-months old, can we give him formula instead of breast milk on occasion? Yes, as long as it’s not Formula 409. Besides, you might as well. It’s his God-given American right to eat man-made, fake food that comes from a jar and doesn’t occur in nature.
8. How warm should the water in our baby’s bath be? If he yells, it’s too hot. If he slaps you in the face, dances across the water or pees in the tub, it’s too cold.
9. My wife and I have an 10-month old son that we send to daycare. Some of the other parents at the daycare are somewhat rude. What should we do? Get used to it. Parents in day care are just like everyone else — self-absorbed, selfish, and obnoxious. Remember, the only reason they had the baby was to camouflage their annoying traits.
10. My husband’s parents have a large dog. Is it okay to bring our 10-month old son around the dog? Yes, just remember to not use the meat-flavored diaper rash cream that day.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.