My wife and I have 16 month-old son named Ivan. He is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#86) – The Diaper.
1. Our toddler fusses when we change his diaper. Why is that? Hey, if every time you went to the bathroom, someone held you down and kept chanting “good boy” you’d get a little freaked out too.
2. At what age should we start potty training? Definitely before you have to graduate to Depends.
3. We’re worried about adding to already overcrowded landfills. Is there a way to cut down on the number of diapers? Well, you could feed your child less food. Less going in means less coming out. You could also go with cloth, re-usable diapers…if your idea of fun is doing doody laundry. Alternatively, you could have your child go “commando.” This is not recommended unless you’re a family of nudists living in a warm climate near the ocean or have a backyard pool.
4. What’s the best way to dispose of soiled diapers? I like to fling them out the window of our apartment and see what happens on the street below. Otherwise, I suggest several alternatives: (a) throw them in the shrubs outside your neighbor’s house and see how long it is until he notices; (b) wrap them in a box and give as gifts; (c) put them in a top hat and say “abracadabra;” (d) send them to GOP Congressional leaders as a token of your appreciation for a job well done; or (e) throw them out (which is clearly the least creative solution).
5. Should we be worried about toxic materials in diapers? Only if you feed your child burritos.
6. Seriously, are there any known toxins in the materials from which diapers are made? Honestly, you don’t want to know. Put it this way, there’s nothing in there that’s too bad. And, considering that diapers can absorb even as much as a circus elephant can produce, just keep doing what you’re doing and don’t ask too many questions.
7. Okay, so diapers are toxic is what you’re saying? Define “toxic.” Life is toxic. In this modern world we live in, everything we touch, breathe or eat is filled with plastic. re diapers absolutely, positively, safe and not toxic at all? No. Are they like wrapping your baby’s bottom in Uranium plastic wrap? No. It’s somewhere in between.
8. Are there non-toxic diapers? Yes, they are called organic, cotton underwear. You can get some when you give up your flat-screen TV, your car, your way of life and move into the commune.
9. Who invented the diaper? Someone who got very tired of being pooped on.
10. What’s your favorite brand of diapers? The ones that work are generally best. Also, I like the ones that other people change. And, of course, clean are better than soiled.
