Whether it’s Chappelle’s Show “I’m Rick James Bitch,” Schwarzenegger’s “I’ll be back” or Borat’s “High five,” there are phrases that are used so much that they become a caricature of themselves. As comedians, they are like nails being pulled across a blackboard when we hear them uttered in a conversation. We know the person saying them is doing so because they have nothing funny or original to say.
Yet as comics, we get onstage and say the same tired phrases over and over in front of crowds who have heard them over and over. Some are old school lines that everyone tends to fall back on, and others are used to “save” a joke. All of them exemplify the term “hack” and show your fellow comedians just how much material you have or don’t have. Let’s talk about a few…
1. “This guy knows what I mean!” or it’s “Brother, you know what I’m talking about.”
The person probably doesn’t know what you mean because the joke before it was about child porn and you need a scapegoat in the audience. I stay home on Fridays and masturbate to goat porn (pause) this guy knows what I’m talking about.”
The joke itself is weak so you make a person in the audience the butt of the joke. Why does it get a laugh? It appeals the second grader in all of us who knows it’s great to see someone else being made fun of because it’s not you.
HACK RATING: 3 out of 5
2. “Too soon?”
Really? Is it too soon to do a joke about 9/11 that’s not funny? Well yes, it’s never a good time to do a shitty joke. However, not having courage and conviction in your own jokes that you use this stock save phrase says a lot about you onstage.
It’s not “too soon” to go home and rewrite jokes and get better instead of using this stock line. It’s true Gilbert Gottfried used “too soon” in his infamous rip at the Hugh Hefner roast which made “too soon” a comedic household favorite. Is it “too soon” to use a catch phrase that someone else made up to save a joke that did not get laughs? Sadly, yes.
HACK RATING: 3.5 out of 5 (Extra half point given because it is used to death in NYC.)
3. “Ladies (or fellas) are you with me?”
Well, physically we are with you in the room, so the answer is yes. Are we on board with a phrase that is designed to pander to the audience in an effort to get them to think you’re funny based solely on your gender? No.
The spirit of Abigail Adams is getting ready to punch you in the baby box. Yes, we understand men and women are different, but dividing up the crowd and turning one sex against the other is easy and it’s not comedy.
HACK RATING: 4 out of 5, are you with me?
4. “Um, so what else do I want to talk about?”
Um, I don’t know what you want to talk about next. If I did, I would have saved my $15 cover price and two-drink minimum and stayed home and talked about what you were going to talk about next.
This phrase makes you look nervous, rehearsed, unprepared, and unprofessional; all of which will make you cry out, “This guy knows what I mean”. Stop stalling and get to the next joke. Being a comedian is your job and using this phrase shows your incompetence at work. Rehearse and write a set list.
HACK RATING: 2 out of 5
5. “I guess I can throw that joke out.”
Really, you should throw it out. I mean self-deprecating humor is great when done right, but using this cheap line to follow up a joke that bombed looks sad to me. Just move on to the next joke, or take a breath, or a drink. Silence on stage is not golden but it is not death unless you make it.
HACK RATING: 4 out of 5 (Save it for the open mic.)
6. “Give it up for me. It’s my birthday or I just got married.”
This is by far the cheapest trick in the book. The audience is being tricked into giving you an applause break based not on your comedy, but on something that might not even be true. Stop pandering and write some jokes so that next time you’re on stage the applause is earned and not asked for.
HACK RATING: 4 out of 5 (“Hey, I just got married!”)
7. “Is this thing on?”
Yes the microphone is on, that’s why everyone heard the joke that did not go over well. Please don’t blame the sound tech for your poor writing, performance and timing. The sound tech is doing his job, now if only the comic would do his/hers.
HACK RATING: 5 out of 5 (This line is older than dirt; it’s the stereotype of comics that non-comics have.)
8. “Keep drinking. I get funnier.”
Actually, you don’t. The audience gets drunker and their standard for what is funny is lowered. If your jokes are not funny when people are in full control of their mental capabilities, then maybe your jokes just aren’t funny. Remember when you audition for Letterman that the booker will not be drunk.
HACK RATING: 3 out of 5 (“Keep drinking and you’ll agree with my rating.”)
9. “F*ck you guys. That was funny.”
Really? Because if it was actually funny people would have laughed at it.
HACK RATING: 5 out of 5 (It is a weak attempt to get people to laugh when a joke has bombed and is made worse because its punch line is a curse. Word bitch!)
10. “Where my (fill in the ethnic blank) people at?”
This is usually followed up by some hack joke based on the stereotypes of the ethnic group you mentioned. Example: Where my brothers at? (Pause) Those are the guys who will rob you after the show! BA-ZING! Two hacky jokes with one stone.
Not only did you ask for an applause, but you followed it up with the age old stereotype humor. It’s also used to show the audience you’re down. Asking where the Puerto Ricans are at, waiting for the clap and then announcing your mom is Rican is testing the waters before you go into your bits on how growing up your mom would cut you. Yes, we’ve heard those stereotype jokes before.
HACK RATING: 5 out of 5 (“Where my hacks at?”)
11. “Are there any (fill in the ethnic blank) people here tonight? No, then we can talk about their asses!”
This line is so old and overused people seem to forget how cliche’ it is. They also forget what it says about the comic using it; they don’t have faith in the material they wrote to be funny, regardless of who is in the audience. Scared to drop the racial slurs and stereotype humor in front of your victims? Then you know your own joke is horrible.
HACK RATING: 5 out of 5 (“Any hack reading this? Good. We can talk about their asses.”)
12. “That’s my time” or “You’ve Been Great.”
We know it’s your time, that’s why you’re leaving. Even worse is when someone says, “Gotta go they gave me the light.” Yes the audience needs to know the inner workings of the shows. Why not say, “Thanks guys, by the way I got $100 for this spot”?
HACK RATING: 4.5 out of 5 (“That’s my rating, goodnight.”)
I know there are tons of these out there. Can you name a few and why are they hack? Feel free to comment and add to the list.